2001-08-23 - 10:35 p.m.
i'm confused.
i don't know why, when i masturbate... it feels so fucking good, but i end up crying and feeling so sad inside. after having an orgasm, i just want to curl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry. and the crying itself... i feel so sad, but it feels good. it's like a big release. the crying is horrible, but it feels good at the same time.
and i don't know why it only happens some of the time when i masturbate.
i know it's probably some sort of emotional release that's good for me or something... but it's so draining at the same time. and i'm afraid that once i start crying, i won't be able to stop.
this is why i gave up masturbating for a while. it was the fear of this sad feeling afterwards. dammit, i just want it to feel good, without this emotional stuff.
i hardly ever get this way when i'm actually with someone, leading me to think that maybe it's loneliness or something that makes me cry... like i want someone to be there and hold me, but there's no one there. and sometimes that is the feeling i get. but other times, that hypothesis doesn't feel right at all.
i talked to MD about it and he said that that was messed up.
i don't know if it is or not.
so yeah.
one thing i forgot to write about my Chicago trip is that James Iha was there. he played sitar for a song in Mary Timony's set. and then he was down on the floor, he and Mary Timony, listening to some of the other bands, and Shahla and i stood right behind them. and James Iha is sooooo damn sexy. that skinny little waif-boy look and those chunky square glasses and damn, i wanted to run my hands up his back, which was right in front of me.
And that was my brush with fame and fortune. or something.
(capitalization will most likely be highly erratic throughout this entry.)
i went to the gynecologist the other day to talk to her about a few things. the main thing was Norplant. she was shocked to hear me say that. said that no one asks about that anymore. but she told me that they don't do it there at UHS, but i would have to go to the hospital to have it done, where it wouldn't be covered by insurance or anything. and after reviewing literature about it together we found that because of the other medications i'm taking and such stuff, it's probably not the best choice for me anyway.
however. she told me about a woman there at the clinic who has been doing work with IUDs and suggested that i talk to her about that. so i made an appointment with that woman and i'm going in next friday to talk to her. the more i read about IUDs, which i had pretty much ignored before, the more enthusiastic i am about them. sounds like a much better thing procedure-wise than Norplant, and it would be much cheaper, since the costs of the visits and insertion would be covered because i'm a university student.
(anything done at UHS is free for students. if i have anything done outside of the clinics at UHS, i have to rely on the haphazard coverage of my student insurance, which grows ever shittier.)
i was also all freaked out and positive that i had herpes. but after listening to my symptoms, she said that i just had a big zit on my labia and should stop worrying, since i haven't been doing anything bad.
i really love my gynecologist. she's the best doctor i've ever had, i think. (my old psychiatrist, Dr. Scallon, is the second best, even if she did lock me up in the psych ward.)
in other health news, i have the same itchy rash on my stomach that i've had all summer. i don't know what's up with that, but it's probably just from heat and humidity. i'm sensitive to that sort of thing.
i have to write kami an email back. i haven't forgotten, i'm just... i just haven't yet. but i will.
p.s. i updated my links page. now there's a whole bunch of pages for you to go when you're feeling naughty. (updating that page is what caused me to read the stories that led to the masturbation that caused me to cry that caused me to start writing this journal entry that lived in the house that jack built.)
