2002-07-28 - 2:07 a.m.
i just watched such a freaky episode of The Outer Limits. I like the ones that aren't freaky the best, but I can't seem to stop watching the ones that are.
I was watching TV because it's saturday night and this is my TV-watching night. First there's Saturday Night LIfe. Then comes The Practice, which I'm addicted to, and then comes the Outer Limits. Then usually comes bed, but not after the freaky ones. First I have to convince myself that nobody posessed by a lunatic free spirit is going to come after me with an ax. Right now I'm wishing that Tony had come over tonight instead of last night.
But it was lovely last night and this morning. I do care about him so much. I'm still not sure if I'm in love with him or not, but I've never questioned the fact that I do love him. I think I have it mostly worked out -- how I feel, i mean -- but it's so hard to be sure about these things. I wish I could just get a printout from my brain that would tell me exactly how I feel about these sorts of things. I wish it was a bit more quantifiable.
One of my toenails ripped halfway off... which is weird because this morning I had a dream that the same one ripped off... only in the dream it was a lot more painful and hideous. When I realized that it actually had torn, long after waking up in relief, it didn't hurt at all and I simply got out the nail trimmers and clipped it neatly.
So the other day, being yesterday, I guess, I decided to go into therapy. The doctors always told me that I could work on my needle phobia if I wanted to, but I never wanted to, because I just wanted to stay as far away from needles as possible and not think about it. But lately it's really been hitting home for me that I need to actually do something after I finally graduate from college. And I need to just accept that I'm not going to be able to live out the dreams I had in high school of going to grad school and getting my PhD and doing Great Things. My grades aren't nearly good enough and my memory is horrid and all things considered, I'm just plain not as smart as I used to be. And this is something that I've had some rough nights over because it does hurt and it is disappointing, but I do need to accept my limitations. And once I got over the initial disappointment, I've realized that there's a lot I can still do. I can still contribute, even if I never win the Nobel Prize, which was my dream.
So anyway, I had just gotten off the bus at the Union the other day when a poster on the kiosk caught my eye. It was about helping AIDS victims in Africa with Humana. Something about it really just tugged at me. I mean, I doubt I'll actually do that particular thing, but it just hit that I could do something like that and really make some sort of contribution. There are other similiar programs to help with other problems all over the world. However, to travel overseas, at least to the places I'd be most likely to go, I would need a bunch of additional shots. And I thought about that and realized that I can't let myself be held back by this any longer. Because it's not worth giving up on something like this, on something that I really want to do, because of some shots. And it would also just be really helpful not to have to fear them so much and turn cartwheels trying to avoid getting them.
So yesterday I called around and found a therapist that takes my insurance and specializes in anxiety and women's issues and I set up an appointment for her for late next month. (She's not taking new patients until the middle of next month and then I have to move and go on vacation.)
I also want to change the way I behave in relationships. When I was calling the insurance company for the referral, I mentioned that I wanted to work on sorting out some problems with my relationship and the woman said that Physicans Plus (my insurance) wouldn't cover that because, "relationships aren't diagnosable."
Um... what?
That's a load of shit. I mean, there are definitely templates that dysfunctional relationships fall into. For example, when one partner takes the other one for granted and is domineering and the other is very submissive and guilt-ridden. I mean, relationships are diagnosable.
However, I didn't argue the point because I think she had couples counseling sort of stuff in mind and I just want to work on my own behavior and how I can have better relationships with people in general... not about problems I'm having that are specific to my current relationship.
Anyway.
I think I've gotten my mind off of the axe-wielding free spirits now. So I'm going to turn off the computer, lay down, read a trashy magazine for a while (either O (which is my guilty pleasure and I got this particular issue free at the library from the swap cart) or Jane (I get a free subscription and use it mostly to make fun of)).
